8 hours & a lunch

creating: your life

Yes.  It's true.  It's been about a year and a half in the works, but it's true.  Carolyn Kepcher, formerly of the Apprentice & the Trump Organization, will be launching Work Her Way very very soon.  And yes, I'll be an expert contributor.  

I've been very excited about this site and the community that it will bring together for quite some time now.  So.....

There will be celebration.  Get ready. 

Have a great weekend!

All the best!

deb

And don't forget to sign up for the RSS feed and the newsletter in the right hand sidebar.

your container is full, it's time to empty it

If you’re blocked?  I mean, really blocked.  You keep struggling with the weight, because you’re eating emotionally or not taking care of yourself.  You keep repeating those relationship patterns you wish you could break.  You just can’t get your business past a certain level because you keep avoiding doing the things you know you should be doing.  There’s something holding you back.  

That something has to do with deep, core inner beliefs you have about what you call your weaknesses, and things from your past that are yet unresolved. 

Most coaches, myself included, will talk to you about monitoring thoughts.  If you’ve tried that and you’re still getting nowhere?  There’s a reason why. 

The Thing about Thinking 

Turning around your thoughts is part of an entire cycle.  It’s just one piece.  Your thoughts produce feelings.  

It’s the feeling state you’re after.  The point is to turnaround your thoughts in order to create feelings. That’s what leads you to actions that lead to new and different results.  But often, clients hear the part about thinking and then go off to try to control their thinking without considering the whole picture. 

Here’s The Problem With That

Research on the number of thoughts a person has per day ranges anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000, depending on your source.  If we even look at the low range, how many of those thoughts can you truly be aware of?  To be aware of all of them, you’d have to be maintaining focus on your thoughts all day long.  

In his work on creativity and flow, Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi explains that your nervous system can only process 110 bits of information per second.  It takes 60 bits per second just to listen to a person speak.  This is why we can’t listen to two people at a time.

If that is the amount of attention you have to work with, how much of it can be focused on thinking about your thinking all day long?

Your Container is Full

Your mind is a container filled with all the things on your to-do list, the thing you’re doing at work, and listening to your kids, and these thoughts that keep you locked in repeating patterns.  

It’s full.  

What happens when a container is full?  You can’t fill it up anymore.  You can’t fill it up with the thoughts about the thoughts and maintain constant focus on the thoughts and what the next right thought is.  

And as we’ve talked about before, you can try affirmations, but if you’re underlying belief is something different than, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me,” you’ll just comprehend it as lying to yourself and it will be rejected.

You Have to Empty It

If you have a full glass of water and decide you want diet coke instead, you can’t just pour the diet coke in with the water.  You empty the glass and then refill it.

This is about addressing the root cause of the problem.  If you keep addressing symptoms without going to the root cause, the symptoms just reappear eventually.  

It’s like going to the doctor complaining of a cough and having him prescribe you cough syrup over and over and over.  Until you finally get tired of it, go get a 2nd opinion and find out you have cancer.  Treating the cough won’t get you very far. 

Getting Bigger Containers

The container that is your mind has to be emptied and refilled.  

But the heart is the place where you can get a bigger container.  

This is the way you open up your heart.  It’s the way you release yourself from all that’s been holding you back.  

It’s the way you find the energy you need to move forward and do what you were meant to do.  (It’s also the way you find what you were meant to do to begin with.)  

Finding the good, and even wrong, interpretations about your story and those so-called ‘bad’ parts of you, is where the feeling state of freedom and wholeness comes from.  

It’s doing the work to discover that there’s nothing wrong with you.  It’s doing the work to reclaim the greatness that’s already there.  You’re just hiding it.  

Once you do that work, the change is easier.  Monitoring your thoughts going forward is easier because there are fewer toxic ones to worry about.  

This is change that is long-lasting and sustainable.  It changes your current state deeply, so that in the moment, you’re free to create a bright, bright future.  

Will you keep doing battle with your thoughts?

Will you keep searching for Dr. Feel-Good?

Or are you ready to finally give up the struggle, do the work, and move forward at last?

What are you waiting for?

All the best!

deb

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A couple of programming notes:

1)  If you're ready to empty that container and move forward, check out this telecourse, "Creating:  Freedom, Wholeness, and a Bright, Bright Future".  Space is limited, and is already filling up.  Register today to reserve your spot and start creating the life you deserve.

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3)  If you liked this post, feel free to share it - on Facebook, Twitter, Digg it, or whatever works for you.  (And sign up for the RSS feed and the newsletter in the right hand sidebar.)

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Photo credit:  Seamus Murray via Creative Commons

why you should be full of yourself

Have you said any of the following in the past six months?

“I’m stuck in a rut”

“I just go to work, day after day, just working to pay the bills”

“It’s too late, this is the way life is.”

“I used to like to....(do ‘xyz’)...but don’t have time anymore”

“I can’t wait to get to work.  I can’t be myself at home.”

“Work is supposed to be a struggle.  There’s a reason they call it work.”

“I’m not making a difference”

“I’m not fulfilled.”

“I have no choice”

“Is this all there is?”

If you’ve said any of these things, you’re not alone.  The unfortunate truth is that Thoreau was right.  Most men do lead lives of quiet desperation.  

It turns out that women do to.  In an article this past week, Marcus Buckingham points to research showing that women grow increasingly unhappy, with the tipping point occurring at about age 47.  (For a great perspective on this, see my friend Michele Woodward’s post on the same article.)

More Than This

If you have a nagging suspicion that there's more than this, I’ve got news for you:  there is.

But we’re doing what we were told we were supposed to do.  We got the education, the spouse, the kids, the house, the job.  And still we wonder if this is all there is.

Regret Comes From Not Trying

Don’t settle for a life half-lived, for ‘quiet desperation.’ Go for your dreams, even if you don't hit the mark.

When the day comes that you’re looking back on your life, do you know where the regret will come from?  It will come from not trying.

I thought about this when considering to start my business.

Looking back, one of my biggest regrets was that I never went and even auditioned for Broadway.  Looking back, do I think I would have been ‘good enough’ and ever performed on Broadway?  To be honest, and having seen a Broadway production or two...um...no.  I don’t.

But looking back, that doesn’t matter to me now.  Looking back, what I regret is never having had the experience of even trying.

When I realized that, the question of whether to start a business or not was answered with an automatic ‘yes’.

Be Full of Yourself

Have you ever become someone else for a relationship and later wondered if they would have stayed if you'd been yourself?  At least, in the end, if it hadn’t worked out, you wouldn’t be wondering.  You’d know you were fully present and it was either right or it wasn’t.

Living authentically, embracing all of who you are, is how you go for and find the 'whole deal.’

Talking with Twitter pals one day, someone said, “She’s full of herself.”

The answer came back, “Who else would she be full of?”

Playing small, being someone else in order to be the way you were told you’re supposed to be, does no one any favors -- least of all, you.

Embraceable You

Where are you not being yourself?  Where are you not being you?  What qualities are you hiding away that will come back as repeating patterns?

And why?  

You don’t get rid of those qualities, you know.  You don’t get rid of the ego.  You can’t. Those things are a part of you.  

But learning what good is to be found in those things you think can’t show the world is where you learn what is unique about you.  Looking at those things, and learning from them, is how we 'grow strong in the broken places.'   Then, you are able to be free to choose differently and live authentically.

What If People Don’t Like Me

Do you know what happens when you start living your life to it’s fullest? There will be risk of failure.  There will be people, those who are too afraid to step out into their own light, who might talk about you.  They might even call you crazy.

So what?  No, really.  So what?  

Lucia Griggi is a woman who combined her love of the ocean, surfing, and photography to create her business.  People may be jealous or call her crazy.  But with homes in London and Venice, traveling the world doing what she loves while making friends all over the world, do you think she cares what those people think?

What if Oprah had let worrying what people think keep her where she was 'supposed' to be?  

Or Barack or Michelle Obama, for that matter?  (And what you want to do?  What you're meant to do?  Probably isn't that big, is it?)  I'm sure you can think of your own personal examples.

So let those people look back at their lives with regret, while you go on to do all you were meant to do in this life.

If you don't, you’ll continue living with that sense of malaise, wondering if there’s more than this.  

If you do, you really won’t be as bothered by what people say or taking measured risks as you think you will based on how you see things now.  You’ll see things differently.  And you’ll be able to look back on your life and know that you were full of yourself.

Why not start now?  Why not today?

What are you waiting for?

All the best!

deb

I had to come back and edit this post because Christine Kane has a great one up today about dealing with criticism.  If worrying what people are thinking is holding you back, check it out. 

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Photo credit:  Deb (Please don't use without permission.  Thanks.)

chasing greatness

Most of us are trying.  Most of us are trying really hard.  We’re trying to be great.  We’re trying too hard.  (For a great story on trying too hard, check out this one at Rat Race Trap.)  

Our ego is trying to prove to that part of us that we’ve hidden, to others, and the world, that we’re all wrong.  Your ego is right.  We’re trying to prove that we really are together, that we really are great.

We chase happiness, attention, love, success, money, all in an attempt to fill up something we think we lack.

You Complete Me

We’re playing the ‘I’ll be happy when.....’ game.  “I’ll be happy when I lose the weight.” “I’ll be happy when I get the promotion.”  “I’ll be happy when I get the money, the house, the car, the stuff.”  “I’ll be happy when I find that person who completes me.”

But since there is part of us that thinks we’re lacking something, since there are parts of us or are story that we’re denying, we’re fishing in shallow waters.

Even during the times when we manage to look like we’ve got it together on the surface, we’re not deeply authentic and accepting all of who we are.  So we’re not engaging in authentic deeply meaningful ways, so the relationship and success and happiness we’re using to fill that hole inside isn’t deep or authentic either.    

No One Is Coming To Rescue You

We get the thing we think will fulfill us.  And then we find we want more.  We want more of the same thing.  Or now, since that didn’t work, we want something else.

We got the relationship, and we’re still feeling that lack in our soul, so we go for career success.  We get the job we want, and still feel that lack, so we decide having kids will do it.  When that doesn’t work, we decide it’s time to get in shape.  

We’re designed to be whole.  So we’ll keep searching.  We’ll keep searching, until we finally have to admit that it’s not working.  

Not only is it not working, not only are the patterns still repeating, but now we have to realize that all that external stuff is not going to save us.  

Your parents, a mentor, the love of your life, your kids, and your friends are not going to save you.  The job, the money, the car, the house, the stuff, the perfect body, will not save you.  

Great News

This is great news.  This means it really is all up to you.  And that means you can change it.  That means, you can do something about it.  

It’s time to relax.  It’s time to stop.  It’s time to stop chasing external circumstances that aren’t going to ‘fix’ you.  It’s time to stop doing battle with whatever it is we’ve been struggling with -- our careers, our relationships, our finances losing that 20 pounds we want to lose, whatever it is that keeps coming back up in our lives -- we don’t have to fight it.  

We can stop, find the underlying theme and our core beliefs that have been at play, find the good parts in our stories, and find forgiveness.

Then we can move on and move forward.  Then we’re free to stop sleepwalking through our lives and being run by the thing we’re avoiding, and the frustrating repeating patterns, and go out and make empowered, conscious choices to create your life.  

You Are Already Great

Here’s the cosmic joke.  You’ve been trying so hard to chase greatness.  You don’t need to chase greatness.  You are already great.  There’s just a bit of work to be done so that you can reclaim that greatness, find what you are meant to be and do in the world, and then go out and do just that.

What have you been chasing?

Are you ready to stop?

Are you ready to remember how great you are?

All the best!

deb

If you liked this post, feel free to share it - on Facebook, Twitter, Digg it, or whatever works for you.  (And sign up for the RSS feed and the newsletter in the right hand sidebar.)

why creativity matters (& what being more creative can do for you)

SAT scores are at the lowest in a decade, antidepressant usage went up 50% over 10 years (and usage amongst children aged 6-17 went up 78% during the same time period), unemployment is at a 26-year high, people are screaming at each other in town hall meetings and in the halls of Congress.  And I don’t need to remind you about the financial industry crisis, the auto industry crisis, and the healthcare crisis, right?

When you’re dealing with all of that, who has time for creativity?

Get Your Head Out of The Clouds

Despite the stereotype, most creative people are some of the most grounded and realistic people I know.  

Creative or not, a lot people have their heads in the clouds and sleepwalk through life. 

The nicest woman in the world is so busy being the nicest woman in the world, keeping people around her on their toes as well, that she’s blind-sided by the time she notices the serious problems going on in her life.

When she is forced to take a look at what’s really going on because she can’t avoid it anymore, it’s a much bigger problem than if she’d paid attention when she first saw the little signs and signals and decided to ignore them. 

We’re All In This Together

The same things happens in our careers, in our businesses, and in our society.  We keep doing things the way we’ve always done them, right up until the moment that massive layoff couldn’t be avoided.

This compounds collectively until we’re all feeling the effects of several areas of crisis because we weren’t paying attention.  We were just going about business as usual.  If recent events have showed us anything, it’s that we’re all in it together. 

Not only do we need creative solutions, we need to apply the skills and principles it takes to be creative.

Creative People Pay Attention

When people do creative work, they become completely engrossed in what they’re doing, and experience a sense of timelessness.  

You’ve experienced this at some point in your life.  You feel a sense of meaning in the thing you’re doing, you enjoy it, and you get so into it that you suddenly look up and wonder where the past two hours went.  “7:00 already? How did that happen?”

There is a simple explanation for this. 

Our brains can only process a certain amount of information at a time.  Literally.  

Creative people have the ability to focus their attention like a laser.  And they have the ability to maintain this level of focus until they have accomplished the project and brought their vision to life.  

And they pay attention to details.  They know that details impact the bigger picture.  A photographer can take a picture of a lake.  But the photographer also knows that a simple change in lighting can turn a standard ‘picture of a lake’ into something that communicates a sense of time, mood and the spirit of the place.

Creative People Study & Work Hard

Creative people are committed, investing a great deal of time and energy to be as good as they possibly can.  They study the basics and spend years working on their craft.  

It doesn’t happen magically, and it doesn’t happen overnight.  Learning to play piano, you learn to read music.  Slowly.  You practice scales.  Over and over and over.  

You learn the rules.  After all, it’s only by learning the rules, how things work, that they can then be broken, creating something new.

Creative People Seek Continuous Improvement

But they don’t stop there.  

They’re more disciplined than most people think.  Because they know that getting too comfortable and letting things slide means they’ll lose it.

I didn’t play piano for years.  One night, I was at a friend’s home and decided to sit down and play.  I did okay.  But it wasn’t anywhere near the level of proficiency I’d attained when I practiced daily.  And I knew it.  

Creative people seek out inspiration and new ideas, consistently challenging themselves to improve, technically and artistically.  

They’ll take workshops, read, talk to others in their field.  They’ll look to other areas of their life (or art) and bring a seemingly unrelated thought or approach into their work -- and create something new.

And when they’ve done that?  They put it behind them and look forward to the next challenge, the next improvement.

Seeing What Isn’t There

Creativity is where possibility lies.  It’s the place where we find answers we didn’t see before.  It’s the place where we see the next step, even when things are good, in order to keep moving forward and make things even better than they are.

Isn’t It Fun?

Yeah.  It’s fun.  Creative people love what they do so it feels like play.  But the focused attention, the attention to detail, the commitment, the discipline, challenging themselves to learn more and grow artistically, are all components that lead to the sense of fulfillment.  It’s all a part of what makes the experience meaningful.  It’s all a part of what makes them happy.    

Finding New Answers in Life & Your Business (& For All of Us)

Imagine applying all of that to your life.  Or your business or career.  

What difference would it make?  How would you then impact those around you?  And how would they then impact the people around them?    

Committing to living your own life this fully won’t just affect you.  You affect other people.  And they affect more people.  And the ripple becomes a wave.  If more of us did this, collectively, we could affect the larger problems we’re all facing together.

So what about you?  Where can you start today?

Start small.

Can you simply pay that type of laser-focused attention to one area of your life today?

all the best!

deb

P.S. A few notes:

1)  Do you want to know more about how to start making new choices that lead to a new future?  Grab these free downloads on 'creating:  freedom'& 'creating: attention & awareness.  

2)   If you want to  live this fully, check out this telecourse, "Creating:  Freedom, Wholeness, and a Bright, Bright Future".  You can get in now at the early registration price.  But space is limited, and people are already signing up.  Register today to reserve your spot and start creating the life you deserve.

3)  If this post spoke to you, feel free to stumble it, digg it, tweet about it or share it on Facebook. 

creating: freedom

When we haven’t worked through our story and embraced all of who we are, we expend an unbelievable amount of energy keeping up our social masks and trying to keep our past at bay.  It takes a great deal of effort to cover up and hide parts of ourselves and our stories from others and ourselves.  

We stay on constant alert and keep our guard up, trying to avoid having that happen....again.

And when the pattern repeats, we begin beating ourselves up and search for answers and other things to try.  Now, we’re sad, angry, confused, desperate, and/or tired as we review the latest go-round in our minds over and over again.  

And we’ll try just about anything.  

We want to ‘fix’ it and ‘fix us.  

At the same time, we just want to feel better.

Looking for Relief

Some of us use food.  Some use working too much or shopping too much.  Some people gamble, watch too much TV, or spend too much time on the internet. 

Some of us decide that if we can ‘improve ourselves’ and learn how to be a different person, then we can finally change for good.  We’re not only resisting our past, we’re resisting who we are. 

Dr. Feel-Good

So we go to a seminar and we have a ‘lightbulb moment' and we feel better for a little while, but it doesn’t last. 

We learn platitudes so we sound like we’re fine.  “Everything happens for a reason.” “Things always work out for the best.”  “Time heals all wounds.”  “This too shall pass.” “Have an attitude of gratitude.”  

We hope that this time, we’ll learn what part of us we need to get rid of that will magically change everything.  We seek ‘enlightenment’ then try to pretend that we are always gentle, always kind.  We never get angry or jealous or judge anyone.  We try to pretend that we always think the ‘right thoughts’. 

We fantasize about the day when the right ‘guru’ will show up with the right formula, the right platitude, the right insight that will finally let us know who we need to be.

But we keep repeating the patterns and we’re still not happy, not for long anyway.  

Because we’re using these things to continue avoiding reality, to continue avoiding what actually is.

We’re still looking for how we should be.  

If we find the right program, our stories will be fixed.  We can fix who we are.

We’re still suppressing parts of us we think of as ‘bad’ and still trying to be something other than who we are.  

And those parts we’re denying will come out.  And when they do, it’s bigger than we’d like and it scares us.  So now, we blame ourselves for not being fully enlightened and ‘not there yet’, and we add insult to injury. 

We’re Still Not Free to Make the Choice

We are still avoiding it all.  We’re still afraid to look at it all.  

But here’s the thing.

You don’t need to be afraid of what you’ll find if you relax, and look at what is really there in your story.  

You’re already living with the stress and the worry and expending all that energy trying to deny it, and fighting who you were meant to be.  

And you already know what’s there.

You may not want to face it because you’re concerned about what all those thing in your story say about you.  But that’s only because you haven’t figured out the good that’s in the story.  (Or maybe even the parts of the story that are wrong.  Like when I tried to kill my brother.)

And it’s scary because if we face it all, then we really have a choice.  If we face it, then we’re truly responsible.  And it’s scary because at least where we are, we’re comfortable.  Even if we’re in pain, it’s what we know.  Stepping out of that and into a realm where we can make choices that are different than the choices we’ve made before, into a realm where we can create and live an extraordinary life, scares us.

But What Will Happen?

If you choose to dig deep, to really do this work, you find freedom.  You find the freedom from your past, from your story, from the patterns.  You can make different decisions and take different actions that lead to a life that you choose, rather than a life we live by default.

You’re able to stop the internal battle between what you’re thinking and what you’re experiencing, and stop fighting with life and trying to force external changes that just aren't happening. You become free to think differently and to be empowered to make different choices that will lead to creating the life you want.

And you’ll be surprised at how much energy you suddenly have. 

It’s all that energy you’ve been using to avoid your story and keep up the social masks.  Now, all that energy is at your disposal to do the good, positive, powerful things you’ve been dreaming of doing.  

Where do you need to find freedom in your life?

Why not start now, in this moment?

What are you waiting for?

all the best!

deb

P.S. A few notes:

1)  Do you want to know more about how to create freedom from stress, worry, fear and anxiety and start making new choices that lead to a new future?  Grab this free download on 'creating:  freedom'.  

2)   If you're repeating patterns in your life and need to 'heal in the broken places', check out this telecourse, "Creating:  Freedom, Wholeness, and a Bright, Bright Future".  You can get in now at the early registration price.  But space is limited, and people are already signing up.  Register today to reserve your spot and start creating the life you deserve.

3)  If this post spoke to you, feel free to stumble it, digg it, tweet about it or share it on Facebook.  (Tomorrow:  Why Creativity Matters)

about the day i tried to kill my brother (getting strong in the broken places)

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.  - Ernest Hemingway

When I was 8 years old, I tried to kill my brother.  Heading down the uncovered, unfinished, sharp-edged stairs to the basement office to ask my dad a question, I left the door to the basement wide open.  My brother, 8 months old at the time, was in his walker and followed me.   

Since the closest hospital was 20 miles away and waiting for an ambulance would take too long, my dad grabbed my brother and my parents rushed to the hospital.  I was safe.  I was fine.  So they left me behind at home, planning to call their friends to come take care of me once they’d reached the hospital.

What I Thought It Meant

Somehow, in the midst of the fear and confusion, my tiny little 8 year old mind decided that I’d just killed my brother.  It was my fault.  I’d left the door open.

In those moments, as they left for the hospital and as I sat at home alone, I determined, subconsciously, that I really was ‘bad’ and therefore, unlovable, evidenced by the fact that they left me behind.

Later in life, I didn’t want you to find out that I was a ‘bad person’ and unlovable because I tried to kill my brother.  So, I tried to be the ‘good girl’ and a ‘rescuer.’  But that, of course, led to situations where I couldn’t be myself and ended up feeling used.  And hurt.  Again.  

I kept trying to figure out who I had to be to keep from getting hurt.  I kept trying to ‘fix’ me.  

But no matter ‘who’ I tried to be, the patterns repeated.  Eventually, I would find some way to prove that I was right.  I would find some way to prove that I was not lovable.  After all, I was the girl who tried to kill her brother.

That’s How It Starts

It could be that we got hurt somewhere along the way.  It might have happened in childhood.  It might have happened later.  Or it started with the way we were told we were supposed to behave by our parents, teachers, society, at work, or by our ‘significant others’.

One way or another, we learned that something about us was ‘bad’, something was undesirable.  We came to believe that we weren’t good enough in one way or another.  Or we were taught that to ‘be a man’ or ‘be a good woman’ or to ‘be successful’ that we had to get rid of certain qualities.  

So we took whatever it was that we decided was ‘bad’ and worked with all our might to be the opposite.

It Catches Up With You

Eventually, the very thing we resist acknowledging and accepting about ourselves or our past, comes back up.  Despite our best efforts, we end up doing something that proves that our core belief is right.

It might show up in our job or our relationships or our finances.  It shows up in the ways we push ourselves or in the ways we hold ourselves back.  

But eventually, it catches up with us.  Suddenly, the ‘nice, cutesy, always agreeable’ woman explodes.  She loses it at work or with the kids or at her husband.  And everyone scratches their head wondering where that came from, because no one would ever expect that from her.

It’s the Republican governor who, by the accounts of his wife’s friends, never so much as looked at other women and would be the last guy to ever cheat on his wife, who is suddenly disappearing and running off to Argentina.

How To Make It Stop

The real secret is that you don’t have to strive to be something you’re not.  You don’t need to be ‘more’ of anything or ‘less’ than anything.  

All those things you’ve been trying to avoid, your entire story, the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your story have all come together to help you be the person you are meant to be.  Every part of your story, and all the parts of you, whether you like them or not, are all the things that make up who you are and hold the keys to what you are meant to do in this life.  

To make peace with our stories, our past, and be free to make different choices now, we have to stop running.  We have to delve into the parts of our past where the pain started, the parts where we started hiding parts of who we are.  We have to find the lessons and the good in those parts, so we can understand, accept, and embrace all the things in our lives, even the ones that have caused us pain.  We have to find the lessons in those moments and how they serve us now.  Then we forgive, ourselves and others.  Then we can be free from the repeating patterns and the old story.  And we can be whole.  Human.  Full of mistakes and frailties and imperfections, but perfect in who we are.   

It takes work.  But as we learn to embrace our story, embrace our past, embrace those things we’ve been avoiding, we also find the freedom to do things differently.  

You don’t need to change who you are.  You need to embrace who you are.  Then you can step out of your old story, out of the old patterns, and start creating a new story, a better one, an extraordinary one.  

Are you ready?

Why not start now?

What are you waiting for?

All the best!

deb

P.S.  If you're repeating patterns in your life and need to 'heal in the broken places', check out a new telecourse, "Creating:  Freedom, Wholeness, and a Bright, Bright Future".  You can get in now at the early registration price.  But space is limited, and people who signed up for the newsletter got advance notice -- so spots started filling up over the weekend.  Register today to reserve your spot and start creating the life you deserve.

P.P.S.  If this post spoke to you, feel free to stumble it, digg it, tweet about it or share it on Facebook.  (Up later this week:  Why Creativity Matters)  All the best! deb

the nicest woman in the world (embracing all of you)

The woman who walked into the coffee shop to meet me was beautiful.  She was well put-together, dressed stylishly, hair and makeup done with perfection.  She wore a big smile and said hello to several people before sitting down with me and letting out a big, bubbly, “Hi!  Nice to meet you!”

This was my first meeting with her and I had to admit that something in my gut just seemed ‘off’.  

As we talked, she began to tell me about her life.  

“My husband is wonderful.  I have a great job.  My kids are the light of my life.  I live in a wonderful house.  I work with young women in my church.  I am truly blessed.”

At this point, I was beginning to wonder why she wanted to meet with me in the first place if everything was so wonderful.  She had been referred to me by a friend of hers, but I couldn’t yet figure out why.  

We continued talking, and then it began to show.  The language was subtle, but it was there.

"I love being a mother, my kids are the light of my life, but I had them young so I never got to pursue a modeling career."  "I have the best husband in the world but he travels a lot and so I have to take care of most of the household responsibilities, so I can't go back to school and take classes at night."  

Everything that she said had a tinge of blaming others, cloaked in niceness.  Everything she said was all about how great things were, but then was followed by a 'but' explaining why she couldn't do what she really wants to do. Everyone was wonderful and kind and sweet and life was perfect, except for the parts that weren’t and the things she couldn’t do by being limited by others in her life.  

But really, the niceness was what intrigued me most.

Was she really this ‘nice’ all the time?  Then she told me.  “I suffered from a deep, deep depression, but my doctors helped me and no one would ever know it.  I am so blessed to have found that help.”

I asked she was like when she was depressed.  “Oh.  That’s in the past.  I’m free of it now and so lucky.  I never get angry anymore.  I never have any bad episodes.  I just take my medication, keep a level-head, and just remind myself how fortunate and blessed I am every day.” 

What Was Really Going On

Somewhere along the line, this woman had decided that some of her emotions were 'bad' and wrong.  She was only lovable when she was being nice and bubbly and upbeat.  

So she repressed it all.   

She designed a social mask of always being nice, always smiling, always being grateful.  

And here’s the thing.  

It will come out.  The stuff she’s decided was bad and has tried to surgically remove from her personality will come out.  

She’ll be the one who suddenly and inexplicably explodes at work one day.  

The longer she continues suppressing these parts of herself and attempting to be perfect, the bigger that explosion will be some day.

We All Have It All

We all have the capability of all human emotion inside of us.  And there are times when the things we think are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ serve us well.  

Healthy anger allows us to set boundaries.  

Being a bitch when you find yourself in a situation where you need to defend your children can be a good thing.

Integration

Once we can embrace the parts of us that we have been trying to deny, we then can choose how we respond to events from a place of true inner strength.  

It’s the things we cover up and try to hide that keep us fighting with ourselves and in pain.  Those are the things that will suddenly come out, seemingly from no where, and turn into some sort of crisis in our lives.  

This woman is beautiful, smart, had deep compassion and a desire to help others.  The heart-breaking thing is that there is little depth to her life, no true passion, no real sense of purpose.  

She has tremendous gifts and greatness within her, but coming from a place of trying to deny who she really is and all the parts of her, makes her also come across as shallow and unreal.  Her insecurity still shines through, despite her belief that she is covering it up well.

We will continue to work together.  As she begins to recognize the parts of her that she has deemed ‘unworthy’ and finds the ways in which those things served a purpose and had a lesson to teach her and embraces them, she can release her shame surrounding these qualities and become a fully empowered and authentic person.

Then there will be no telling what she can do.  

What About You?

Are you denying parts of yourself?  

What qualities have you told yourself you have that are 'bad' or wrong or shameful?  

Have you been trying to surgically remove parts of yourself to fit into a certain role, or because of what someone else has told you?  

Have you been going from workshop to workshop trying to figure out how to 'fix' who you are or trying to figure out who you 'should' be?

I've got news for you.  Who you are is just fine.  Relax.

Look for the good in those parts of you that you've deemed unworthy and begin to do the work to embrace all of who you are.  Then you can live a truly authentic life and will be free to make choices that will lead you to create the future you deserve.

All the best!

deb

P.S  Be sure to subscribe to the RSS feed in the right hand sidebar.  And sign up for the djo Creative newsletter here.  There are new products and courses coming up this month, so sign up and get updates along with other articles and inspiration.

  

don't deny your story - own it

A popular question amongst life coaches these days is, “Who would you be without your story?”  It’s a good question.  We have stories that we tell ourselves about who we are and all the things that have happened to us.

Our story is our interpretation of events, what we believe, and is often a key source of things that are blocking us and holding us back.

Case In Point

I’ve worked with two women recently.  Both were children of divorce, one at the age of 6 and one at the age of 8.

One of these women told herself the story that her parents divorce was her fault, that if she had been a better, happier child, and ultimately, been lovable, her parents would have stayed together.  She went on to construct a social mask of being someone who was always peppy, bubbly, always nice, always happy.  She never had a dissenting view , and if she did, she kept it to herself.  Believing she was unlovable, she began seeking approval and attention externally.  

The combination of these things would be too much for men to bear.  The hole she had to fill was endless and required that men walk on eggshells and withhold who they truly were to keep her from erupting emotionally.  The men had to constantly reassure her and be constantly available, to keep her believing that they would not leave her.  

Of course they did.  They left because they couldn't be with someone who couldn’t be authentic and whole and truly connect.  They left because she constantly needed rescuing and was overly-dependent on them, almost like a child.  The pattern repeated in her relationships, her work, in all areas of her life.  

The other woman went through very similar circumstances.  She told herself that her parents divorce led to getting to spend more time one-on-one with each of them.  She remembered her parents being unhappy before the divorce, and much happier after.  She told herself that this divorce led her to being self-sufficient and resilient, qualities she appreciated in herself later in life.  She went on to have a happy, fulfilling marriage, career, and life.

But That’s Two Different Families

You may look at these two stories and think that two different sets of parents may have handled their divorce in different ways, resulting in the dramatic difference in how these children interpreted the divorce.

But these two women are sisters.  They are from the same family, the same parents, they went through the same divorce.

Denying the Story

To ask ‘who would you be without your story’ gives one a great sense of relief and freedom, you can access those feelings and recognize that you are not, after all, your story.

But to try to simply walk through life reminding yourself that you’re not your story isn’t enough.  

Your brain will scream at you.  It will tell you, “But they did get divorced.  And it was my fault.”  

And maybe you can work with your thoughts enough to get to a certain point with that.  Maybe you can get to the point where you finally realize that it wasn’t your fault.  But you’ll still continue repeating your patterns.

Own It

Going deeper than ‘who would I be without my story’ requires delving into your story, interpreting it differently, and finding the good that came of it.  

Yes.  She became needy and and insecure and overly dependent.  She also became compassionate and very attuned to the needs of others.   She went on to do the work on that part of her story until she truly owned it and it became something she became grateful for having happened, because of the qualities that she did develop from it.

Now?  Now she works in the healthcare field, where she is lauded for her ability to work so well with patients and their families.  And she’s in a stable, healthy relationship not requiring constant attention and reassurance.

Mine For Gold

It doesn’t always happen in the moment.  And we’re talking about something deeper than glossing over an event in our lives saying “everything happens for a reason” or “it led to better things, so I’m grateful”.  We’re not talking about mouthing the words here.  

What we’re talking about is owning and embracing every part of you, and every part of your story.  

That’s how we become released from our past, gain true inner strength, and begin to make choices that build truly authentic, rich, fulfilled lives.  This is how you go on to 'be you' in the world.

So what’s your story?

All the best!

deb

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