blamers & complainers & the offended, oh my! (do you have a victim mentality?)

You didn’t get the promotion.  Why?  Was it because your boss was out to get you?  

Your best friend just refused your dinner invitation.  Was it because she’s rude and insensitive?  

Or were you passed over for promotion because you consistently show up late, constantly found reasons to have to leave the office, and therefore missed meetings, deadlines, and the goals that had been set for you?  (And did you forget those points?  Focusing only on your terrible boss?)

And about that best friend who you now call rude and insensitive.  Did you fail to listen when she told you she already had other plans?  Or did you consider that you’d called him at the last minute?

You May Have a Victim Mentality.

A victim mentality is one where you consistently blame external circumstances, including other people and external events, for what happens in your life.  

In Business

In business?  These are the people who complain about being 'put out' by clients.  Because the client, after all, didn't get it.  (It's not that the product didn't work or that the client didn't see the value in it.)  Or the clients didn't 'talk them up' the way they'd hope.  

The client, in the end, didn't end up loving them and everything they do, the way many of us in the 'cult of Mac' do.  And that, of course, is entirely the client's fault.  

The Calculating Mind Strikes Again

These are the people who keep score - constantly.

If they do something nice for you, you can bet they expect something in return.  If you don't automatically know this and do what they want without them being clear about what it is they want, you're taking advantage.  

And usually?  They expect more in return than what they have given.  Give them an inch, they want the mile.

All this measuring and keeping score, unfortunately, can also lead to jealousy and anger.

"That artist isn't as good as I am, but has more sales.  Of course, I'd have more sales too if.....(I lived in a better area, had a supportive spouse like they do, etc. etc.)"

Those things might affect a person's business, but those with a victim mentality don't move beyond it or move past it.  They just complain about it to anyone who will listen.

I hate to burst your bubble.

But you are not a victim.  And you are not helpless.

Consider This:

Christopher Reeve.  

Yep.

Superman.

He could have claimed to be a victim and not worked a day in his life towards walking again.  And no one would have thought any less of him.  

Instead, he not only went on to continue working to walk again, he championed the cause of spinal-cord injuries.

Anne Frank.  Victor Frankl.  People demonstrating & losing lives in Iran right now.  

There are a myriad of examples I could use.

But you’re right.  Your friend being continually late is something for you to tragically endure, rather than accept that about your friend and bring a book to read during the time you know you’ll be spending waiting.  

The Language is Sometimes Very Very Subtle

At times, we’ll hear ourselves saying things like, “I have no choice.”  That seems pretty obvious.  

But most of the time, the language demonstrating a victim mentality is much more subtle.  

It might sound like, “My spouse is wonderful.  Truly!  I have the best spouse in the world!  I’m just tired today because he travels so much for work and I’ve been dealing with the kids on my own.”

Or maybe, “I can find a new job!  I’ve got a great skill set!  But you know, the economy is in such bad shape, I’ll have to take a major pay cut.”

The negativity becomes cloaked in positive speech, because these individuals are socially aware.  

They know how to sound as though they have a positive mindset.  

They know how to ‘sound’ like they’re always supportive of their family and friends.  

They know how to ‘sound’ like they aren’t a victim at all.  

In fact, people with a victim mentality are often very nice.  Everyone seems to like them.  Because they’re sweet.  They’re always smiling.  They know the right things to say.  They’d never hurt a fly.  Because they can’t.  They’re helpless.   

They have to be nice and sweet and helpless, so that the rest of us will feel sorry for them and take care of them.

Yes.  The victim mentality is insidious and often difficult to detect.  But it is essentially emotionally manipulative, and very much about control.

They Control Everything

People with a victim mentality control the environment around them.    

They don’t bring the book to read to meet the friend who is usually late, they cajole and complain.  They start texting threatening to leave if the friend isn’t there in one minute.  (Nevermind that the friend had called to let the one with the victim mentality *know* that they were held up at the doctor’s office.)

By putting the responsibility for their life and their happiness in your hands, they then get to call the shots.  After all, you now have to do the things that make them happy.  You now have to be sure not to offend them.   (Oh yes.  People with a victim mentality are generally very easily offended.) 

You can’t tell the truth.  You can’t be yourself.  Your entire existence has to revolve around them.  

Choices

The truth is that you do have choices.  And it starts with taking personal responsibility for your life.  

But we’ll talk about ‘the solutions’.....tomorrow.  (Check back!)

In the meantime,  keep in mind that there are varying degrees of this behavior.  

Do you notice any of this type of behavior or thinking in your own life?

Or in the relationships in your life?

All the best!

deb

P.S.  Learn how to Create Your Own Path & Get What You Want (Click here)

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Comments

[Positively Present]

I'm pretty sure this is NOT me but I can think of more than one person in my life who has the victim mentality and it is NOT pleasant to be around. This is something that bugs me a lot but I never really realized why until I read this post. Great stuff here!

[Jessica]

I realized a couple months ago that I have played the victim role for awhile now. I've been in an abusive marriage (which I'm getting out of now, finally). But I used the "I have no choice" excuse a lot. But reading this, I realize that I'm the type that does the "positive" vicitim stuff. I never thought of that as playing the victim. Now I have to catch myself doing it - and stop.

This article gave me another interesting insight though - my husband is very controlling, easily offended and complains about things being unfair. I never realized that he has his own victim mentality. He has the negative type, though. It puts a lot of people off and I spent most of our marriage trying to keep him from offending other people. (So he never really learned the real consequences of his behavior). It helps put things in perspective for me.