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Yes. While onstage, when I wasn't singing last night....I was taking pics. ;-)
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Yesterday, we talked about people with a victim mentality. As promised, today, we’ll talk about how to stop. If we identify areas where we’re exhibiting this type of mentality, it can be overcome. It takes practice. But it’s possible.
First, notice your language. Notice your thoughts. Notice when you are using the language of a victim mentality. And then work to change them.
The difference for someone without a victim mentality isn’t that ‘bad’ things don’t happen to them. It’s all about how they choose to respond, beginning with what the think about whatever it is that has happened.
For example:
The economy tanks. And two people just started new businesses. One says, “Oh great! Just my luck! I finally make the leap to start my business and the economy tanks! This is just never gonna happen.”
The other? The other thinks thoughts like, “OK. So I made the leap to self-employment and the economy tanked. I might have to change my strategy up a bit. But I know this is going to be a success.”
Stop blaming others. And stop blaming yourself.
Blaming is a waste of energy that could be applied towards taking actions to make your life better. In most instances, you’ll make a bigger and more positive impact if you don’t waste time trying to figure out who is at fault.
There is a quote by Maya Angelou that explains it best.
“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”
Life is a learning process. As long as we do the work, and continue to grow.
In the meantime, trust that you did the best you knew how to do in the circumstances you were in at the time.
Learn. Let it go. And then be mindful so that if similar circumstances arise, you do better next time.
There are a great many things in life we can’t control. Then, there are areas where we can have influence. And then, we have the things we can control. Those things usually have to do with us, and our responses to circumstances. The things you can’t control? Stop trying. It’s a losing battle.
You have a myriad of choices. You might not like the other choices. But you do have choices. And it begins by choosing to take responsibility for your life.
That underlying belief that you have that tells you it’s better to ‘play small’ and that you have to garner pity from others in order to get through life -- because ultimately, you don’t trust that you can handle things on your own? You know, that part of you that’s afraid to be you out in the world?
Those beliefs? That thinking? That fear?
It’s wrong. It’s absolutely wrong.
Marianne Williamson said it very well:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ...Your playing small does not serve the world....We are all meant to shine, as children do. ...It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Begin today. Start today.
Start taking responsibility for your life, freeing all that energy you waste on that victim mentality to start building the life that you were intended to live.
All the best!
deb
P.S. Learn how to Create Your Own Path & Get What You Want (Click here)
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You didn’t get the promotion. Why? Was it because your boss was out to get you?
Your best friend just refused your dinner invitation. Was it because she’s rude and insensitive?
Or were you passed over for promotion because you consistently show up late, constantly found reasons to have to leave the office, and therefore missed meetings, deadlines, and the goals that had been set for you? (And did you forget those points? Focusing only on your terrible boss?)
And about that best friend who you now call rude and insensitive. Did you fail to listen when she told you she already had other plans? Or did you consider that you’d called him at the last minute?
You May Have a Victim Mentality.
A victim mentality is one where you consistently blame external circumstances, including other people and external events, for what happens in your life.
In Business
In business? These are the people who complain about being 'put out' by clients. Because the client, after all, didn't get it. (It's not that the product didn't work or that the client didn't see the value in it.) Or the clients didn't 'talk them up' the way they'd hope.
The client, in the end, didn't end up loving them and everything they do, the way many of us in the 'cult of Mac' do. And that, of course, is entirely the client's fault.
The Calculating Mind Strikes Again
These are the people who keep score - constantly.
If they do something nice for you, you can bet they expect something in return. If you don't automatically know this and do what they want without them being clear about what it is they want, you're taking advantage.
And usually? They expect more in return than what they have given. Give them an inch, they want the mile.
All this measuring and keeping score, unfortunately, can also lead to jealousy and anger.
"That artist isn't as good as I am, but has more sales. Of course, I'd have more sales too if.....(I lived in a better area, had a supportive spouse like they do, etc. etc.)"
Those things might affect a person's business, but those with a victim mentality don't move beyond it or move past it. They just complain about it to anyone who will listen.
I hate to burst your bubble.
But you are not a victim. And you are not helpless.
Christopher Reeve.
Yep.
Superman.
He could have claimed to be a victim and not worked a day in his life towards walking again. And no one would have thought any less of him.
Instead, he not only went on to continue working to walk again, he championed the cause of spinal-cord injuries.
Anne Frank. Victor Frankl. People demonstrating & losing lives in Iran right now.
There are a myriad of examples I could use.
But you’re right. Your friend being continually late is something for you to tragically endure, rather than accept that about your friend and bring a book to read during the time you know you’ll be spending waiting.
At times, we’ll hear ourselves saying things like, “I have no choice.” That seems pretty obvious.
But most of the time, the language demonstrating a victim mentality is much more subtle.
It might sound like, “My spouse is wonderful. Truly! I have the best spouse in the world! I’m just tired today because he travels so much for work and I’ve been dealing with the kids on my own.”
Or maybe, “I can find a new job! I’ve got a great skill set! But you know, the economy is in such bad shape, I’ll have to take a major pay cut.”
The negativity becomes cloaked in positive speech, because these individuals are socially aware.
They know how to sound as though they have a positive mindset.
They know how to ‘sound’ like they’re always supportive of their family and friends.
They know how to ‘sound’ like they aren’t a victim at all.
In fact, people with a victim mentality are often very nice. Everyone seems to like them. Because they’re sweet. They’re always smiling. They know the right things to say. They’d never hurt a fly. Because they can’t. They’re helpless.
They have to be nice and sweet and helpless, so that the rest of us will feel sorry for them and take care of them.
Yes. The victim mentality is insidious and often difficult to detect. But it is essentially emotionally manipulative, and very much about control.
They Control Everything
People with a victim mentality control the environment around them.
They don’t bring the book to read to meet the friend who is usually late, they cajole and complain. They start texting threatening to leave if the friend isn’t there in one minute. (Nevermind that the friend had called to let the one with the victim mentality *know* that they were held up at the doctor’s office.)
By putting the responsibility for their life and their happiness in your hands, they then get to call the shots. After all, you now have to do the things that make them happy. You now have to be sure not to offend them. (Oh yes. People with a victim mentality are generally very easily offended.)
You can’t tell the truth. You can’t be yourself. Your entire existence has to revolve around them.
The truth is that you do have choices. And it starts with taking personal responsibility for your life.
But we’ll talk about ‘the solutions’.....tomorrow. (Check back!)
In the meantime, keep in mind that there are varying degrees of this behavior.
Do you notice any of this type of behavior or thinking in your own life?
Or in the relationships in your life?
All the best!
deb
P.S. Learn how to Create Your Own Path & Get What You Want (Click here)
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Being present and being aware is a key component to creativity. Works of art are not created in a vacuum, and if anything, requires attention to detail. If you’ve ever seen a ‘great work of art’ up close and in person, notice the strokes. They’re there. And they are an important part of the work.
This is one reason that applying concepts of creativity can lead to a more enriched and fulfilling life. As you learn to ‘pay attention’ and ‘be aware’ for the sake of your creativity, you naturally begin to do this in your life as well.
But there are misconceptions and dangers surrounding ‘being aware’ or ‘living in the moment’. Some people attempt to achieve a sense of ‘living in the moment’ that leads past the level of acceptance and to a level of resignation.
In other words, they attempt to reach a point where they ‘go with the flow’ no matter what comes their way. With no purpose connected to the practice of awareness, these people can get pulled in directions that are completely wrong for them and their life.
They get pulled in one direction and then another, and then back again, like that plastic bag being blown around in the wind at the end of "American Beauty". (Remember that one?)
It’s simply asking, “What is here now? What is happening now?” without a sense of judgement or attachment. It’s being present to circumstances, to our thoughts, to our feelings, to everything -- without resistance.
Resistance is where we get into trouble and cause ourselves pain. It’s wanting, desperately, to hang on to the job, the relationship, to the way things were.
As with most things, simply going to the other extreme and accepting everything doesn’t work either.
What works is being able to be aware, without resisting what is happening, and then making empowered decisions and choices that comes from the purpose of our life.
Rather than resisting and asking, “Why is this happening to me?”
Or going too far to the other extreme and saying, “Whatever happens, happens”
Practicing awareness that is connected to purpose allows us to ask, “What do I want to do from here?”
We can then take responsibility for our lives, while making strong, empowered choices that are in alignment with our vision.
Are you practicing awareness?
Are you living in the moment without resistance?
Is your ‘awareness’ grounded by purpose?
All the best!
deb
P.S. If you aren't sure what the purpose is for your life, I’ve put together exercises and tools - and designed a one-hour teleclass that can help you discover it. Are we going to discover your purpose in an hour? Of course not! But we’ll lay the groundwork, and you'll have exercises you can work through after the course to get you well on your way.
The teleclass is July 8. And it’s just $25. (And yes, spaces are limited. You can sign up here.)
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Purpose & passion are two words that are often used interchangeably. But they are not the same thing. The things you are passionate about are important and a necessary part of your life. But they are not your purpose. Purpose is much deeper. Purpose is passion connected with your values, your sense of contribution, and provides a basis for action. Purpose gives you direction.
A well-defined purpose will:
-Express possibility
-Fulfill a desire that any human being can resonate with
-Be free-standing, not pointing to a need for improvement, but gives strength, empowerment, & a sense of freedom now
-Create a line of possibility that reaches out to others, inviting expression, progress & increase within it’s structure
-Transform an individual, creating a place where the ‘real world’ becomes a world of possibility
With a known purpose, goals & objectives come from an outlook of abundance. They become guides used to determine movement on a track.
Goals can then become flexible, adjustable, amenable to changing circumstances, rather than tools we can use to beat ourselves up with if we don’t reach them.
Goals that are disconnected from a sense of purpose can lead us down the wrong path. We end up determining and setting goals based on what others around us do, or what they think we should do.
Discovering your purpose isn’t a magic wand that, once realized, will transform your life in an instant. It’s a start. It’s a beginning point. It’s where the real work begins, as you begin to live ‘on purpose’.
Most people let life happen to them. They play the role of the continual victim, tossed about by the whims of the economy, the boss, the status of their relationships. Circumstances happen to them. They’ll say things like, “I have no choice.” They abdicate responsibility to the world around them and the people in it.
But then there are those who design their lives. They know their purpose, they know their values, and they are able to navigate their lives by choice.
These people know that knowing your purpose is invigorating. Inspiring. Expansive.
Decision making becomes easier, as you determine what to do in any given moment based on your stated purpose. Stress, worry, and anxiety decreases. (They don’t go away completely. We aren’t talking about an ‘airy-fairy’ concept that will make the real world disappear. It’s just a different way of ‘being in the world.’ A stronger way.)
We all know. Deep down, we know. It’s just that we don’t all do the work necessary to find it. And it does take some work.
There *are* tools and exercises you can use to define and articulate your vision and purpose. And I’ve put some together and designed a one-hour teleclass that can get you well on your way to doing just that. The teleclass is July 8. And it’s just $25. (And yes, spaces are limited. You can sign up here.)
Are you living your life by default?
Do you know your purpose?
If you do, are your thoughts, goals, and actions aligned with it?
All the best!
deb
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You’ve got a million and one things to do today. Well, that’s the way it is every day, right? You run here and there and back and forth. You’re extremely busy. Obviously, you’re making a contribution, right? You’re busy, so you must be important, right?
Not necessarily. If you aren’t working from a sense of purpose? Then you’re probably just running faster and faster, spinning your wheels. You might be caught in what is sometimes called the ‘activity trap’. You’re justifying your existence by the number of things you have to do in a day. You might just be addicted to being busy.
I feel the need....the need for speed!
What we’re really experiencing is the high of adrenaline. We become addicted to the drama of being busy. We become addicted to the anxiety and the overwhelm.
It heightens our senses and we begin to believe that because there is drama and anxiety, “I’m alive.”
That rush of adrenaline is thrilling. We feel needed. We feel useful. We feel successful.
We get the instant gratification of having saved the day. We’ve rescued our friends, family, boss, or co-workers by responding immediately to whatever crisis is at hand. We’re awesome because we’re busy.
You’re letting others dictate your priorities. You’re not coming from a sense of purpose and vision or working from what works for you in your life. You’re reacting. Constantly.
And in so doing, you’re handing your power over to anyone who contacts you with an urgent need at any time.
When what you do isn’t connected to your purpose in life? When you’re just busy being busy?
You don’t really do anything well.
You just get things done, and you get them done fast! But that doesn’t mean they’re done well.
You’re not truly helping anyone.
Here are a few signs you’re addicted to activity:
1) Working tons of hours; and being unable to work fewer hours when you try
2) Giving up important social activities to work more
3) Staying connected to the office instead of focusing on friends & family when spending time with them (crackberry, anyone?)
4) Going at too fast a pace; and not knowing what to do with yourself when you’re not running at full speed ahead
5) Giving up personal time
6) Losing the ability to enjoy the present moment
7) Having no idea what your purpose in life is, what you’re passionate about, or why you're doing the things you're doing
People driven by activity often have a belief that if they stop, they’ll become lazy. They think ‘living in the moment’ means that nothing matters. They think it means ‘giving up.’
Nothing could be further than the truth.
When you find your purpose, you are still active.
But rather than trying to squeeze everything into the five minutes you’ve got to spare, you know what to say ‘yes’ to and what to say ‘no’ to.
You know what activities are truly important, so you know where to spend your time.
There is a deeper connection and meaning to everything you do.
And there’s a sense of peace.
Are you so active that you have forgotten why you do what you do?
Have you given any thought to why you’re doing what you do?
Are you trying to control time by doing things faster?
Or are do you have a sense of direction and passion?
Do you know what your purpose is?
All the best!
deb
P.S. Do you know where you want to be in 5 years? Do you know what your values are and you living in line with them? Do you want to enhance your creativity or live a more creative, fulfilling life? If you need help in those areas, see what changes people have experienced and what they're saying about this telecourse. Space is limited and registration ends Friday, July 31 - so sign up today.
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You know how it is. You’re sick and tired. Sick and tired of trying to get ahead. Sick and tired of feeling like you’re constantly running from here to there and back again. Sick and tired of the job you hate. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So you do what many of us do. You decide you’ve just got to ‘buck up’. Get more organized. Get a better time management system. Find out what effective people DO.
And you try to implement the latest tools.
And you follow the rules and things get better - for a while.
And then they don’t.
And before you know it, you’re sick and tired.
Again.
Then you beat yourself up for failing to keep up with the new tools and systems. But you’re not a failure. If anything, give yourself some credit simply for not giving up and continuing to try to make your life better!
The problem?
You Skipped a Step
The truth is that being more productive won’t help if you don't know what your purpose is. You’ll just start cramming more things into your day and end up exhausted all over again.
Before you can decide what to do, you need to know why you’re doing it.
Think of it this way. There are two doctors. One went into medicine because he had a passion and a purpose for helping people. The other? She went into medicine because everyone told her that she would make a lot of money.
Which doctor goes home at the end of the day exhausted? Which doctor complains about patients and their stupid questions?
And which one goes home with energy left to spare because he was able to take the time to carefully explain to a patient and her family what they might experience as they deal with the illness?
Which doctor would you want to see?
Someone wants to know how to get everything done in a day.
So we recommend all those tools that help us stay organized.
But the first questions are deeper.
Why are you doing what you’re doing to begin with?
What is it that you’re passionate about?
What is it that you really want? (Note: It generally has nothing to do with money or time or whatever external thing you’re currently chasing.)
Goal-setting Changes
People who know what their purpose is don’t set goals the same way every once else does. In fact, they find less of a need to set stringent daily, weekly, or monthly goals.
They know where to spend their time.
They know what things to say ‘no’ to and what to say ‘yes’ to.
They can set priorities and define boundaries with clarity and peace.
You do know what your purpose is. You’ve might have forgotten. Or maybe you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself the right questions.
But when you find it? (And you will if you try.) It won’t be a big shock. It’s never a big surprise. You’ve really known all along.
Take a little quiet downtime over the weekend and think about it.
What is your purpose?
Do you know? If you do know, have you thought about it lately & reminded yourself?
What actions are you taking that are in alignment with your purpose?
Have a great weekend!
All the best!
deb
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Book by Father's Day to lock in the special Father's Day rate -- and schedule & shoot later! (You can get a certificate to present dad on Sunday and include him in the session if you'd like.)
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So you want a new job, to lose weight, to start a business, to write the next great American novel. But you’re convinced that none of those endeavors will be successful.
And maybe you think, “But it won’t work! Because to really be successful, you have to get your book/product/business featured on Oprah. And that’s impossible! I’ll never get my stuff on Oprah!”
And here’s the thing.
You’re right.
You’ll never get on Oprah.
Because you’re not doing the thing you want to do in the first place.
It’s not happening because you’re not doing it.
You’re not going to lose weight until you stop eating more than you need and start moving more.
You’re not going to get out of the hideous job until you figure out what you want and start taking steps in that direction.
You’re never going to get published if you don’t write.
But still, you argue:
The Guarantee
Nothing is going to happen if you never start *doing* the thing you want to do. And not doing it will guarantee you won’t get the thing you want.
So start. Today. And start small. Start ridiculously small.
Great novels were not written in a day.
Neither do successful businesses appear overnight.
And you don’t lose 30 pounds in a week.
Do something. Take a small amount of time and write one page or research your business idea or walk for 20 minutes. Small steps add up, so that’s okay.
Do you know how great books are written?
One sentence at a time.
That’s right. Even the great Hemingway wrote - one sentence at a time.
What is it you’ve been putting off that you really want to do?
What could you spend 15 minutes doing today?
What are you waiting for?
All the best!
deb
P.S. If you haven't read Dave Navarro's post on "Why You Do What You Do (And Why It Should Scare You)" over at Rock Your Day yet. Go. Read it now. It's seriously thought-provoking and challenging.
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In a teleclass I led yesterday, we spent some time talking about the things we think on a daily basis.
Many of us aren’t even aware of what we’re thinking. (There are creative tools that can help with that.) But once we do become aware, we want to take that sage advice to just “be positive!”
Some people tell us that if we simply tell the universe what we want, since the universe is like a genie in a bottle, it will be so. Or just repeat enough “I’m Good Enough, Smart Enough, and Gosh-Darnit - People Like Me” affirmations. Just ‘think positively!’
And there’s truth to the value of thinking positively. A lot of truth!
But simply trying to force yourself to think the exact opposite thoughts from what you’ve been thinking doesn’t always work either.
Because the exact opposite thought? That might not feel true for you.
And as long as there’s something in the back of your mind thinking, “That’s not true,” it’s not going to help.
A friend of mine was laid off a few months ago. On several occasions, he told me that “there are no jobs in this economy.”
So I would ask him what he’d done in his job search. He would tell me how he’d checked three online job boards on a regular basis, and there just wasn’t anything.
I’d ask if he’d connected with people in his network to ask if they knew of any openings.
And he’d respond, “Well, they all have it just as rough as I do. In this economy, their struggling too. Because there are no jobs out there.” (In other words, no....he hadn’t.)
In the meantime, I had people sending me job openings in his line of expertise right in his area. When I shared these openings with him, he’d reply with something like, “Yeah, yeah. I heard about that one. But in this economy, they’re getting thousands of resumes.”
See where I’m going with this?
The actions he was taking just reinforced his thinking that “there are no jobs in this economy.”
Some people might tell my friend to just start thinking the opposite thing. Be positive! Buck up! Start thinking, “There are PLENTY of jobs out there.”
Uh. But. The economy did take a dive. And he is struggling financially. And he hasn’t done a job search in ten years. So, he has some facts to deal with.
But all is not lost. There are a whole realm of thoughts he could choose between “there are no jobs in this economy” and “there are plenty of jobs in this economy.”
Maybe thinking something along the lines of, “Yeah. The economy is tough. But that just means I have to change my job search strategy. The right job will come at the right time” might work for him.
It doesn't have to be the exact opposite thought.
The trick is to get to the most positive thought that feels true for him which creates feelings that lead him into inspired and confident action.
Where are you holding on to core negative beliefs? What are you thinking?
Does the opposite thought work for you?
If not, can you find the most positive thought that feels true that leads to feelings of confidence, happiness, peace, whatever feeling you’re looking for.
And holding that thought, what action are you led to take?
All the best!
deb
P.S. A quick tip for those who actually are out there job-searching. The majority of job openings out there are never advertised, even in a good economy. In an economy like this one? That number goes down. Use your network extensively. Or get out and do more networking. Or talk to someone who can help with your job search. All the best!
P.S. Do you know where you want to be in 5 years? Do you know what your values are and you living in line with them? Do you want to enhance your creativity or live a more creative, fulfilling life? If you need help in those areas, see what changes people have experienced and what they're saying about this telecourse. Space is limited and registration ends Friday, July 31 - so sign up today.
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