crazymakers make you crazy (and keep you out of the zone)

We've all seen them.  We've all known them at one point in our lives. And you know how it goes.  They're charming.  They're charasmatic.  They're persuasive.  Everyone seems to like them.  You like them. You may have worked with one.  You may be related to one.  You may even get into a relationship with one.  After all, in the beginning, they seem pretty perfect.  

But then you start to notice.  (Hopefully, you begin to notice.)  There's one drama after another.  Constantly.  Slowly, almost un-noticeably, they begin to convince you that they need to to solve all their problems.  They begin to pull you away from your life to take care of theirs.  They begin to blame you for all their ills.  They're constantly on edge.  They're ready to throw out soft threats of withdrawal or abandonment (never outright obvious ones, they'd not be that bold) to keep you right where they want you.  The only time they give in at all?  Is when you say no.  Then they'll give -- but only a little.  They know just how much to give to still keep you right where they want you.  And they'll wear your ass out.

They're energy vampires.  

They feed on the energy of others to keep them going. Julia Cameron calls them crazy-makers.  Crazy-makers are an awesome threat for rescuer, for those people out there who need to be needed because they're 'fixers'.  

But these people are toxic, and they'll keep 'rescuers' from ever living their own life.  Rescuers have their own responsibility though.  After all, they're using the crazy-maker to live a smaller life.  They're using the crazy-maker to keep from living in the zone and living the dream.  After all, the crazy-maker makes them feel needed.  And the crazy-maker isn't all that bad, right?  We're supposed to be understanding and supportive and give the benefit of the doubt.

This is the reason crazy-makers are so insidious.  It seems like they're just human with problems and the rescuer is just helping them out, as a good person would, right?

But it's more than that.  Crazy-makers are about power.  They control the relationship.  They control the lives of people around them.  They control the office.  They control you. 

What are some signs you've got a crazy-maker in your life (and may be using this as a way to stay blocked in your life?)

1)  They demand immediate attention, throwing other people's schedules out of whack. They decide at the last minute that they can't host Thanksgiving, you have to.  At work, they need that report yesterday - no matter what projects you have on your plate.  If they call you, you better respond immediately.  If they need you to pick up milk, they need it now.  They'll show up unannounced and unexpected, dropping their latest drama in your lap and telling you that you need to drop everything and take care of it - now.  

2)  They're not responsible for anything. They're expert blamers. The dog runs away?  Your fault.  There's an accident?  It's not just an accident.  It's 'that guys' fault.  A defect is found in the product your company makes?  This guy will throw anyone, even those who work for him, under the bus.  A problem in the relationship?  It's completely your fault.  They've done nothing wrong.  You're responsible for their happiness, after all.  And you've screwed up.

3)  They expect special treatment.  Crazy-makers often have a range of mysterious, non-specific illnesses or 'special problems' that require care and special attention.  They get too upset to drive, nevermind they themselves just unleashed an emotional windstorm on everyone around them.  People around them can't be upset, even when that's the normal response, because it will upset the crazy-maker even more.  They need to be coddled and people walk on eggshells around them all the time.  In the meantime, the victim?  The victim begins to think that the person might suffer a break-down and it will be their fault, rather than wondering how to get this monster out of their lives.

4)  They triangulate people.  These people thrive on energy -- other people's energy.  So they keep people set against each other to stay in the center of the power position.  They pit a coworker against the boss, and vice versa.  They pit their children against their spouse, and their spouse against their parents.  They often use hearsay to do this.  They are careful enough to sound supportive when talking to the spouse, but then complain to their parents about how she's on the road too much with work and he's crumbling under the burden of dealing with the kids alone too much.  Then he goes back to the wife and tells her that, "my parents said you're not here for me enough......"  and so it goes. 

5)  They hate order.  If you're finding yourself in constant chaos?  If things are constantly on edge?  And you're constantly running here and there quickly on demand, taking care of every drama that arises (and drama can come in small forms)?  If you find yourself explaining to your friends, with a sigh, that your life is 'always like this'?  There is probably a crazy-maker in your life. 

6)  They deny they're crazy-makers.  "I'm not crazy.  It's not my fault you can't handle being a good friend/coworker/spouse."  In other words, they go right back to their 'blaming' default.

So why do rescuers put up with all this?  

Well, they have their own thing going on.  After all, if they can prove that they're needed, then they'll never be rejected or left, right?  The boss will never lay them off because they're too essential.  The boyfriend will never leave because they 'need' them.  And so on.  It's a dance.  Rescuers are that self-destructive.

It's that old fear of the thing you don't know (what living your own full life would be like) versus being scarier than the thing you do know.

So they continue to accept this type of abuse.  

If you're a rescuer, involved with a crazy-maker, what do you do?

1)  Admit it.  Admit you're being used -- and admit you're using this to stay blocked yourself.  Admit that you are choosing this to deter yourself from your own trajectory.

2)  Stop dancing.  These relationships require both people participate.  So stop.  Getting out and getting away is the best choice.  But regardless, whether you get away or not, get help in dealing with identifying these relationships and stop the pattern.

And cut yourself some slack.  This one is often hard to see.  Especially because you're telling yourself you've been 'doing the right things' - and you have - just to an extreme.  

All the best!

deb

P.S.  Learn how to Create Your Own Path & Get What You Want (Click here)

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Comments

[Hiro Boga]

A clear and powerful description of the dynamic between crazy-makers and rescuers! Thanks for this post.

[Deb]

Thanks Hiro!