shallow relationships (and from whence comes my help)

via gautam, i saw this about the value of shallow relationships. i have to admit. i struggle with this. i don't do shallow well. (well, i do shallow well. and i do deep well. it's those weird in-between spaces i have trouble with.) the thought of networking events with sharks that reek of, at worst, "i'm really just here to find out how i can use you" or, at best, "you scratch my back and i'll scratch yours and let's all keep score" makes me cringe. (worse yet, are those who are intentionally there to scope out the opposite sex and have no real business interest anyway.) don't get me wrong. an authentic exchange about "how we might be able to help each other out and both succeed" is great! but too often, it's not really about that. but i digress. in his piece on the value of these relationships, ford harding says this:

Remember one more thing about these less than profound relationships: Anyone who has been out of work or had a personal crisis learns that it is not always the people you expected to who help you the most. Sometimes the deep relationships are not as deep as we had thought and some of the shallow ones aren’t so shallow.

um.
seriously.
long time readers of this blog know i had a less than stellar year last year, and most of the people who were there for me were completely unexpected.

the thing is.....you never know. you never know exactly where that job is going to come from. you never know when you might meet the love of your life. and you never know where encouragement or inspiration might come from. the only way to be pleasantly surprised by it, is to be out there.

today, i started my day feeling apprehensive (to put it mildly) about what i'm trying to do here. and out of the blue, sherri picked today to email me and see how i was doing. i was honest. and she came back with shared experience and advice that made it all okay. about the same time, i happened to find out through facebook that jasmine star has a new blog. this lead me to check out her website for the first time. there was something about the images, the spirt of the blog and website, the music that inspired me. and it reminded me of some important stuff, like why i'm doing this in the first place.

now, i've never met either one of these women. i've 'conversed' with sherri for some time as we read each other's blogs, and come to know her and be a big fan of her and her work. as for jasmine, the most we've shared is a wall-to-wall post on facebook about the scary 'lost' smoke-monster.

and yet, there they were this morning. whether via email, a blog, a website, text messages, phone calls, or best yet.....person to person....it really does all come down to connection, doesn't it? and then i'm left, humbled, hoping that i am able to do pay it forward and do this for someone else in some small way.

all the best!
deb

Comments

[Ford Harding]

Deb:

Your comments on my posting about shallow relationships paralleled my own thinking as I learned how to network. Two additional thoughts have helped me network for personal benefit and retain piece of mind.

First, we make choices. We can use people for their help or we can go out and help people whom we think are honorable and with whom there is that necessary click with the sole expectation that we do the best we can for others and know most of them will do the same from us. Doing the best we can includes helping them when they hit a bad patch, even when we know they are unlikely to be in a position to help us ever again. That is our choice.

Second "deep vs. shallow" is a false dichotomy, which we are tricked into by the language and our own,dare I say, shallow thinking. Relationships operate on many dimensions. The Mexican laborer, today probably pushing 80, who has come to help my now 93 year old mother for the past quarter century, I know to be decent, honest, kind, hard working and loyal. We do not have a deep relationship, but it would be a lie to call it shallow. I have profound respect for this man and would trust him without hesitation in ways I would not many people I know better. I do not know a word to describe our relationship, which cannot be called deep or shallow.

We must not yet common usage trick us into thinking that relatioships can be measure on a single line running from deep to shallow.

Sincerely,

Ford Harding

[Robyn]

I loved both your post, Deb, and Ford Harding's comment. It's unfortunate that our language doesn't have a word for those relationships like the man who cares for Ford's mother. I met a woman at a job about 30 years ago. We have never had much in common and even email has not greatly increased our level of communication. Yet, when my husband died, she came long distance to his memorial when many of his local co-workers couldn't make it. And she cried for my pain! It's true that someone doesn't have to be entwined in your life to be a valuable part of it. Thanks to both of you for reminding me.

[deb]

thanks for both of these well-thought-out comments! (and for the advice, ford. you gave me some food for thought!)

all the best!
deb

[Wally Bock]

Ford makes an excellent point that the deep/shallow dichotomy is a false one. And Robyn is right to lament the lack of a word or phrase to address the idea of special kinds of relationships.

For some time now, I've thought of relationships as based on connections, like the nerve pathways in the brain. The more we connect and communicate with another the more of those connections we create. If we stop connecting, the bundles start to lighten.

Some of those connections are with others, but sometimes each of us connects to a shared third set of experiences. Veterans and pilots and police officers do that in my world. Photographers do it.

The point is that the relationship is real and can be helpful with even the most tenuous connection. There will be relationships is your life that have lots of rich connections, but some wonderfully helpful and loving ones ride on the thinnest strand of connection.

[deb]

as usual, wally, you give me food for thought. and you're right. when i'm shooting, there's a part of me that connects with the subject. i fall in love with them (or the thing i'm shooting)....at least for a moment. for a client i spend time with, i stop thinking of them as a client. (i get invited to parties! i get to know them a little.) but i also realize i'm still not a part of their 'inner circle'.

i do think that given a certain situation i have going on in my own life, that perhaps i'm trying to think of this too simply....classify and organize (and maybe even minimize) things to make it more palatable.

on the flip side, it's also something i've been thinking about as i 'network' and see so many who aren't about making connections, but figuring out how they can use people (or date them) at some of these networking types of events.

but all of these comments have been making me think! and i do love different perspectives that make me think!

thanks to everyone for the comments!
all the best!
deb